Tuesday, April 01, 2014


I struggle, as so many do, with prioritizing self-care. I also struggle with scheduling/not scheduling, especially on a day off after many days in a row of working.

Yesterday, this struggle looked like this:
Energized by the strong winds and 60 degree weather, I ran bunches of errands until, part way through, my inner child voice said, "Um, can we go home now?" I responded, "Is it ok if we just run two more? Then we can be done." The completist voice, which always wins because it is so logical. Inner child shrugged, looked away. Aha. I see, the question I was actually asking was an order: "We will do these last two, I'd like it if you were ok with that." Even seeing that, I persisted, and by the time I got home, I felt all befuddled. I had time to do both these things: go out into nature, and also snuggle with cats, but I was frozen. Acute anxiety/depression kicked in, and I got locked down.

Listening to Andrew Solomon's TED talk on depression yesterday, earlier in the day, I felt a familiarity - both Dylan and I struggle with semi-frequent acute depressive episodes - and also a sense of "Well, I am not feeling that way now, and grateful for that." Then, later that same day, there it was.

Luckily, I reached out. I texted a friend, then, Dylan came home and comforted me. It was hard - I felt myself not wanting to reach out. It took two hours to contact anyone, stop the cycle of checking Facebook and shutting down. Once I was able to open up, it did dissipate the lockdown, just in time.

Today, I woke knowing I needed to schedule in time to take off - to walk, to write. It may be 20 degrees cooler today, but I am going to take the trip out to Cherokee Marsh I meant to do yesterday. I started the day with yoga and meditation, supported by the cats. I am carefully scheduling time to work - and time to stop working.

When one doesn't work, try the other: a gentle structure that leaves room for human needs.

1 comment:

  1. The gentle structure that leaves room for human needs is not my default mode... Learning to approach life this way comes by trial and error with less error and more good humor happening bit by bit.